it’s how you survived.
There’s a version of you the world sees.
The easy one.
The calm one.
The one who says “it’s fine” when it’s not.
Who goes along with things, keeps the peace, smooths it over.
You’ve probably heard:
“You’re so understanding.”
“You’re always there for me.”
“I can always count on you.”
But quietly—maybe even secretly—you’re tired.
Not because you’re not kind.
But because you’ve been kind at the cost of yourself.
You weren’t born a people-pleaser.
You were born needing connection.
Safety. Belonging.
And somewhere along the way, your body learned:
“It’s safer to manage other people’s emotions
than to express my own.”
That’s not personality.
That’s a nervous system adaptation.
In Polyvagal Theory, this is known as the fawn response—a survival state where your system avoids conflict, rejection, or disconnection by appeasing.
It looks like:
- Smiling when you’re uncomfortable
- Saying yes when you mean no
- Making yourself small so others feel okay
- Avoiding your own needs to avoid being a burden
Your system was doing its job—protecting you the best way it knew how.
Maybe you didn’t grow up in chaos.
But maybe you grew up around people who couldn’t handle your truth.
Or your sadness.
Or your anger.
So you learned to read the room instead of feeling safe in it.
You learned to manage instead of express.
You didn’t ask: What do I need?
You asked: What will keep this okay?
And now—maybe—you’re feeling the quiet cost of that.
The exhaustion.
The resentment.
The way you feel disconnected even when you’re surrounded by people.
Not because you’re broken.
Because your nervous system was never taught that it’s safe to be fully you.
This is not your fault.
And this isn’t your forever.
Fawning can shift.
You can stay kind and connected—without disappearing.
You can still care deeply—but not at the expense of your own truth.
You can learn to feel safe in your own no.
Safe in your fullness.
Safe in being real.
You don’t need to be more liked.
You need to be more you—with safety, with softness, with presence.
And your nervous system can learn that now.